I had a conversation yesterday with a friend of mine and we were talking about scary things. Stuff that scared us at one time or another and stuff that continues to do so today. So of course, The Exorcist was mentioned as was the first Nightmare on Elm Street which led to The Changeling and The Omen and so on. Then of course we moved on to the Teletubbies and Barney and Tammy Faye Baker and Finnegan.
And then things got heavy...serious.
Censorship, homophobia, racism, sexism...all the big topics got brought up and were agreed upon to be truly frightening ones at that. And somehow during the conversation an understanding crept its way into both of our heads and proceeded us to stop and say whoa.
Everything that we had mentioned in our discussion as things to fear, we were not actually afraid of at all. We were attached to the subjects simply because we were not emotionally detached nor were we in jeopardy of ever becoming so. And that's where the fear lay.
Regardless of whether it was a book or a woman or a gay man, we were passionate about the continued existence of them. And that's where the fear kicks in...that they may one day not.
And we both agreed upon emotional detachment being the greatest thing to fear. We're passionate people and have no qualms about sharing that information or displaying it to others regardless of how it may be interpreted or received. Those that lack passion or choose to remain ignorant or naive run the risk of becoming dull, deadened...numb. As well, they eventually end up posing a threat. But for now it is good to have them in our society for they provide an example of how one should not let themself become. No longer passionate, not willing to speak up or out. Not willing to get worked up over a topic, an issue...a threat.
The ultimate zombie movie...scary stuff indeed. Fortunately this movie isn't.
maybe Chad Kroeger can play a villian...DR. CURLS from the planet Hanna...
I'm not usually one for t.v. shows, especially NEW t.v. shows which promise to be the most electrifying thing in television since...well...electricity, I guess.
But as of last night, I am capable of saying there are two new shows of which I am unabashedly a fan of. One I will watch every week as a devoted fan and the other I will never have to watch again, for the greatest moment in television occured in last night's episode.
When you take one of the better comic book writers (Jeph Loeb...helllllooooo?? Batman:Hush? Superman/Batman?? Batman: The Long Halloween??) of the last 15 years or so and give him the opportunity to create some wicked characters and interplay, how can it not be good and more importantly, how can I not like it? And when the artist (Tim Sale) he worked with on many stories together is doing the art that appears in the show, like a giant graphic novel???
sighhhh.....
"Heroes" is my new found treat, for sure. And you don't even have to be into comics (it would help, granted...) to get into the story since it's a very real and human portrayal of people discovering their powers and what they can or should do with them. All you have to do is be able to enjoy a STORY that isn't necessarily based in reality and also isn't necessarily set in La-La Land, enjoy being taken away somewhere that isn't altogether familiar and yet isn't altogether foreign for a little bit...
and if you can't do that, then tune back into your Dr. Phil or Oprah and let them fix you.
the other show that made me happy was "Smith". Mehhh...nothing great about it really except "Sick Boy" from Trainspotting is in it as well as the guy that ended up dead in the hotel room in "L.A. Confidential". Oh yeah and Ray Liotta stars, although I will always call him Henry from "Goodfellas".
The reason why this show made me say "All Right!" wasn't that everyone in it are very talented thieves working one job onto the next one. Big Deal. Last night's job was stealing data...identity theft. Whoopity doo. But before the heist, they boosted a getaway car that they would later ditch, and the scene where the dead guy from "L.A. Confidential" is driving the Hummer out of the parking garage rocked solely for the fact that there is a c.d. playing in the stereo and the song that you can hear is annoying the hell out of him, along with 10 to 12 million viewers. Well, at least ONE viewer... The c.d. is Nickleback and buddy finally snaps, ejects the c.d., inserts HIS OWN (smart thief...brought his own tunes...) disc and is smiling while rocking out to some thrash as he throws the c.d. out the window.
sighhh...
there is hope for television yet, people. They may have discovered the new formula for attracting viewers...bring in the superheroes and chuck out the garbage.
But as of last night, I am capable of saying there are two new shows of which I am unabashedly a fan of. One I will watch every week as a devoted fan and the other I will never have to watch again, for the greatest moment in television occured in last night's episode.
When you take one of the better comic book writers (Jeph Loeb...helllllooooo?? Batman:Hush? Superman/Batman?? Batman: The Long Halloween??) of the last 15 years or so and give him the opportunity to create some wicked characters and interplay, how can it not be good and more importantly, how can I not like it? And when the artist (Tim Sale) he worked with on many stories together is doing the art that appears in the show, like a giant graphic novel???
sighhhh.....
"Heroes" is my new found treat, for sure. And you don't even have to be into comics (it would help, granted...) to get into the story since it's a very real and human portrayal of people discovering their powers and what they can or should do with them. All you have to do is be able to enjoy a STORY that isn't necessarily based in reality and also isn't necessarily set in La-La Land, enjoy being taken away somewhere that isn't altogether familiar and yet isn't altogether foreign for a little bit...
and if you can't do that, then tune back into your Dr. Phil or Oprah and let them fix you.
the other show that made me happy was "Smith". Mehhh...nothing great about it really except "Sick Boy" from Trainspotting is in it as well as the guy that ended up dead in the hotel room in "L.A. Confidential". Oh yeah and Ray Liotta stars, although I will always call him Henry from "Goodfellas".
The reason why this show made me say "All Right!" wasn't that everyone in it are very talented thieves working one job onto the next one. Big Deal. Last night's job was stealing data...identity theft. Whoopity doo. But before the heist, they boosted a getaway car that they would later ditch, and the scene where the dead guy from "L.A. Confidential" is driving the Hummer out of the parking garage rocked solely for the fact that there is a c.d. playing in the stereo and the song that you can hear is annoying the hell out of him, along with 10 to 12 million viewers. Well, at least ONE viewer... The c.d. is Nickleback and buddy finally snaps, ejects the c.d., inserts HIS OWN (smart thief...brought his own tunes...) disc and is smiling while rocking out to some thrash as he throws the c.d. out the window.
sighhh...
there is hope for television yet, people. They may have discovered the new formula for attracting viewers...bring in the superheroes and chuck out the garbage.
You don't HAVE to be scared...but you should be...
Now, I am not going to get all political first thing this morning but everytime I watch a news program or flip to a talk show all I see is Bill Clinton. I can't remember the last time I saw George Dubya, don't get me wrong, that's a good thing but it seems Mr. Clinton is pulling a pseudo-Trudeau (hey, that rhymes!) and is coming out of retirement. You should check out or read the transcript from his interview with Chris Matthews from Fox news. You don't have to be the slightest bit interested in politics to enjoy watching or reading someone ripping apart and tearing somebody a new one. Mr. Clinton can get mad as it turns out and mad he did become indeed. And it won't be hard to find, just Google "Clinton interview", trust me it's EVERYWHERE...score one for the good guys.
Now as far as political debauchery and shenanigans go, hooo boy is there ever some shifty shit taking place in this fair world of ours...
Cheech got voted off of Celebrity Duets. What, no recount? Did ALL of Florida vote? Was the Latino community barred from voting? I smell a rat...
Meredith has to CHOOSE between the vet and Dr. McDreamy on Gray's Anatomy? That is some pathetic shiftiness right there. And as far as the bet goes, I'm willing to let you go double or nothing Stace but it was I that won, McDreamy TOTALLY chickened out...10 bucks baby...10 buckseroos for moi.
Lindsay Lohan getting caught EVERYWHERE without wearing underwear? It's a conspiracy, I tell you...THEY are setting her up.
Madonna having to defend and explain the difference between HER crucifixion on tour and the crucifixion after Jesus' final tour?? Well to be quite honest, if given the choice to see either tour, who wouldn't go with Madonna's? Better light show, better choreography and you could get a t-shirt too...those shifty religious leaders I tell you, always choosing and defending the boring performers...I mean come on!!! Our PARENTS listened to Jesus!!! And he wasn't much of a dancer either...
Outkast members Andre 3000 and Big Boi are together but then are not? Is there a new album
coming out with BOTH of them? Andre 3000 is making a cartoon and then moving to Australia and raising kangaroos? Big Boi is doing...what is Big Boi doing anyway? Ooooohh, that's some shifty shit right there...some diabolical madman with plans of taking over the world from his secret lair inside a volcano has driven a wedge between the two rappers' friendship and working relationship and is ripping Outkast apart from the inside...FIGHT it Andre and Big Boi...FIGHT BACK! You can do it...
Denver beats New England??? Shifty shiftiness shifting rather shiftily if you ask me...
oh boy, there is some evilness afoot and me no likee one bit...
oh well, at least Kevin Federline's album comes out on Halloween...now THERE'S something to look forward to...
I'm picking up the Bat-phone right now...we need some SERIOUS help...
Now as far as political debauchery and shenanigans go, hooo boy is there ever some shifty shit taking place in this fair world of ours...
Cheech got voted off of Celebrity Duets. What, no recount? Did ALL of Florida vote? Was the Latino community barred from voting? I smell a rat...
Meredith has to CHOOSE between the vet and Dr. McDreamy on Gray's Anatomy? That is some pathetic shiftiness right there. And as far as the bet goes, I'm willing to let you go double or nothing Stace but it was I that won, McDreamy TOTALLY chickened out...10 bucks baby...10 buckseroos for moi.
Lindsay Lohan getting caught EVERYWHERE without wearing underwear? It's a conspiracy, I tell you...THEY are setting her up.
Madonna having to defend and explain the difference between HER crucifixion on tour and the crucifixion after Jesus' final tour?? Well to be quite honest, if given the choice to see either tour, who wouldn't go with Madonna's? Better light show, better choreography and you could get a t-shirt too...those shifty religious leaders I tell you, always choosing and defending the boring performers...I mean come on!!! Our PARENTS listened to Jesus!!! And he wasn't much of a dancer either...
Outkast members Andre 3000 and Big Boi are together but then are not? Is there a new album
coming out with BOTH of them? Andre 3000 is making a cartoon and then moving to Australia and raising kangaroos? Big Boi is doing...what is Big Boi doing anyway? Ooooohh, that's some shifty shit right there...some diabolical madman with plans of taking over the world from his secret lair inside a volcano has driven a wedge between the two rappers' friendship and working relationship and is ripping Outkast apart from the inside...FIGHT it Andre and Big Boi...FIGHT BACK! You can do it...
Denver beats New England??? Shifty shiftiness shifting rather shiftily if you ask me...
oh boy, there is some evilness afoot and me no likee one bit...
oh well, at least Kevin Federline's album comes out on Halloween...now THERE'S something to look forward to...
I'm picking up the Bat-phone right now...we need some SERIOUS help...
So looooong, farewelllllll, until we meet aga-aa-ain...
I was going to spout off on some thought based on the writings of Sun Tzu (The Art of War) and Marcus Aurelius (Meditations) as a sort of uplifting and inspiring reminder to all of you out there that are dealing with work and people.
A sort of friendly little gesture to say "I hear you. I'm with you. Wrap your noodle around this for a second. You're not alone..." but then I heard Bette Midler singing inside my head and...
well....that's not happening.
So, with that out of my mind, I figured we'll have some fun instead. Because that's really all you need to do when things are getting dull or frustrating really. Sit back and have a laugh or get caught up in that whole conversation when someone says "Oh yeah, I remember that. Remember when blah blah blah...?" and then off you go on some fun conversation about nothing much but it sure feels good while having it.
So, I figured we'll play "Oh yeahhhh...Where DID they go? What DID happen to them? Holy shit! How long ago was that? I admit...I liked them..."
1. Blossom- tv show- Mayim Bialik played her. Who cares about Joey Lawrence...
2. C&C Music Factory -??? definitely NOT music - they can stay there, but where is it that they're at?
3. Snuffleupagus - what? Did he go into the Witness Relocation Program? Damn Elmo...
4. Ally Sheedy - Actress - Breakfast Club basket case? Short Circuit? "Johnny 5 ALIVE!!"
5. Arsenio Hall - again, he can stay there...please. Please stay there...
6. DeBarge - again NOT music - "Rhythm of the Night?", "Who's Johnny?" from Short Circuit?
7. Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam - oh god...- skip this one, for God's sake, skip it...
8. Candi - sugar pop princess - Canadian singer? that was "Under your spell?" Sheeeeeesh...
9. Roxette - they were HUGE and then POOF!!! I told you God likes Jazz and Punk...
10. Lik-m-Aid- powdered sugar in two flavours with a candy dipping stick...I could use those...
So, have at it... and fire back with the 2 ZILLION or so that I missed. Actually, on second thought...please don't. I am quite content not having to think about those things that I have discarded ever again. Yep, me and my 11 hole red Doc Martens are going to lock ourselves in my living room with Soundgarden blaring and spend the afternoon playing Tetris and eating Pizza Pops.
What do you mean you're out of The Globe and Mail in Hi-Def?
There are few true joys in this world it would seem, if you listen to the naysayers and gloomy doomy soothsayers that are constantly on their soapbox on the squawkbox spouting off rhetoric to the stunned and sleepy masses. I disagree. I do however agree TO A POINT as to what SOME of them are saying but as I said...to a point.
I quote Denis Leary " Happiness? Happiness isn't a state of being...it's a moment...and if you're lucky you get to have a couple of them in your day. Happiness is a small tiny bit of time...it's a cookie, it's a 5 second orgasm, it's a cigarette...you cum, you smoke the butt, you eat the cookie, you go to bed and get up and go to fucking work..."
Aside from those examples, all of which I have no problem relishing, one of my favourite moments is a newspaper. And no, I don't mean some crappy newsmagazine or worse, The whatever city Sun. A newspaper is composed of sections, stories and columns not little boxes and deeply profound bikini-clad tarts..."Tiffany is 22 years old and wants to be a model. She likes puppies and hates war."
The best weekend moment is the hour spent with coffee or tea at hand dissecting the paper, section at a time and PORING over the pages, casually idling here and there and just having a lazy visual stroll about. And if the ____ Sun or whatever newsmagazine is your typical 24" t.v. then a proper newspaper is a high definition 61" flatscreen plasma...way better viewing entertainment, way better viewing experience. All in all more bang for the buck.
If you do it right, you can become so immersed, so totally engrossed that time will slip by you without a notice or a care. Absent-minded murmurs in agreement tend to follow questions posed to you by whoever may be lurking nearby, be it the server asking if you would like more coffee, even if they are your partner or spouse and you are in your kitchen or living room, they are now simply the server for you have gone off on a trip and you couldn't be bothered to get up and get it yourself.
Now THAT'S a moment...and if you are lucky that will happen by section B or C...meaning you have to H or L left to look forward to...good times.
And if you really want to do it right, choose one or all of the options from Mr. Leary's quote above while you peruse...might as well throw a little happiness into the mix while you're at it.
After all, it is the weekend...and it is your moment.
I quote Denis Leary " Happiness? Happiness isn't a state of being...it's a moment...and if you're lucky you get to have a couple of them in your day. Happiness is a small tiny bit of time...it's a cookie, it's a 5 second orgasm, it's a cigarette...you cum, you smoke the butt, you eat the cookie, you go to bed and get up and go to fucking work..."
Aside from those examples, all of which I have no problem relishing, one of my favourite moments is a newspaper. And no, I don't mean some crappy newsmagazine or worse, The whatever city Sun. A newspaper is composed of sections, stories and columns not little boxes and deeply profound bikini-clad tarts..."Tiffany is 22 years old and wants to be a model. She likes puppies and hates war."
The best weekend moment is the hour spent with coffee or tea at hand dissecting the paper, section at a time and PORING over the pages, casually idling here and there and just having a lazy visual stroll about. And if the ____ Sun or whatever newsmagazine is your typical 24" t.v. then a proper newspaper is a high definition 61" flatscreen plasma...way better viewing entertainment, way better viewing experience. All in all more bang for the buck.
If you do it right, you can become so immersed, so totally engrossed that time will slip by you without a notice or a care. Absent-minded murmurs in agreement tend to follow questions posed to you by whoever may be lurking nearby, be it the server asking if you would like more coffee, even if they are your partner or spouse and you are in your kitchen or living room, they are now simply the server for you have gone off on a trip and you couldn't be bothered to get up and get it yourself.
Now THAT'S a moment...and if you are lucky that will happen by section B or C...meaning you have to H or L left to look forward to...good times.
And if you really want to do it right, choose one or all of the options from Mr. Leary's quote above while you peruse...might as well throw a little happiness into the mix while you're at it.
After all, it is the weekend...and it is your moment.
Some of us will still be able to sleep in...
Having failed to take advantage of yesterday being "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", I was feeling rather guilty and a bit inadequate as a human this morning. There, now that that is out of the way, I can return to normally scheduled babbling. Well, as it turns out another change of season is upon us which means in go the t-shirts and shorts and out come the sweaters and jeans, unless you are part of the trend of being preggers as it would appear that quite a few of you are in fact, then it's Joey's eating pants which he nicked from Phoebe for you.
"Summer sun...something's begun...uhhh-oh ohh, those summer nights..."
But really, if ever there was a time to be pregnant this is the ideal season to be. I was turned on to this notion a few months back and it makes complete and perfect sense. So, to you wonderful women out there that are currently underway with new construction, look at how you get to spend the approaching winter months with a sense of relief and comfort. And then look ahead to next summer with a great sense of relief, you're not going to have to deal with hot summer days lugging around my dad's stomach.
But seriously, having spoke to all of my friends that are currently heavily under the influence of baby, hearing the excitement and genuine happiness in their voices, well, READING it in their words, if you want to be technical...made me feel good. Knowing that some of the best people I have had the great fortune of knowing and calling friends are going to be responsible for adding to the collection of personalities in this world of ours brings me a great sense of relief and hopefulness.
The world may not be in the best of hands as of late, but soon enough it's going to be wobbling around on some of the best little legs I can think of and that makes a person feel just that much better overall...even if we have to move the table out of the way from time to time.
"Summer sun...something's begun...uhhh-oh ohh, those summer nights..."
But really, if ever there was a time to be pregnant this is the ideal season to be. I was turned on to this notion a few months back and it makes complete and perfect sense. So, to you wonderful women out there that are currently underway with new construction, look at how you get to spend the approaching winter months with a sense of relief and comfort. And then look ahead to next summer with a great sense of relief, you're not going to have to deal with hot summer days lugging around my dad's stomach.
But seriously, having spoke to all of my friends that are currently heavily under the influence of baby, hearing the excitement and genuine happiness in their voices, well, READING it in their words, if you want to be technical...made me feel good. Knowing that some of the best people I have had the great fortune of knowing and calling friends are going to be responsible for adding to the collection of personalities in this world of ours brings me a great sense of relief and hopefulness.
The world may not be in the best of hands as of late, but soon enough it's going to be wobbling around on some of the best little legs I can think of and that makes a person feel just that much better overall...even if we have to move the table out of the way from time to time.
The ultimate reality show
So I got this things with movies...love 'em. In fact, one night a few years back my brothers and I attempted to count how many movies we had each seen over the years. We gave up around 2500; 2541 to be exact. I wrote it down...that's how I know. Anyway, this isn't about boasting how many movies I've seen. It's about how I have been influenced by them.
Now we all develop affinities to movies that we love, granted. In fact, it's gotten to the point where my sometimes my brothers and I cannot relate a personal sentiment or emotion on our own. We have to recall a scene or a bit of dialogue to get our point across. Yep, that's bad. Especially when the person you are talking to hasn't seen that film or cannot remember that scene or solioquy. Most of the time that person is a woman, simply because they don't commit to memory dialogue from films the way us boys do.
Why is that anyway? It's always the boys that remember the stupid, inane and trivial stuff but rarely do you find a girl that can do it and NEVER do they hold the same enthusiasm for it as we do. Do they not understand how vital that information can be in a pub argument? Hmmm...
Anyway, the point of today's blurt is to list the Top Ten Things Seen In A Movie To Attempt For The Sheer Hell Of It And Just To See If I Could In Fact Pull It Off Before I Die.
The movie in which the stunt appeared shall follow after the name of the stunt and commentary follows with the ones I did in fact pull off. Keep in mind that there is a strict protocol to be followed when attempting any of these, as well as remembering that the distinct possibility of being arrested when attempting some of them is very real.
The rules to be followed are: You must ALWAYS have at least 2 witnesses/accomplices with each attempt. You must ALWAYS state aloud to aformentioned lackeys which stunt you will be attempting and cite which movie it appeared in, unless they are on par with their movie knowledge, which in that case just naming the stunt will suffice. For bonus rico suave points, you can just go ahead and do the stunt without prior mention but this can be tricky due to the fact that your witnesses/accomplices will usually say out loud, and possibly crucifying any chance whatsoever of pulling it off, "What the hell are you doing?". This should only be attempted by true masters of the art of being a complete and total idiot and getting away with it. NOT RECOMMENDED.
1. The Abe Froman - Ferris Bueller's Day Off: this involves you assuming the identity of someone else and usually allows you to enjoy FOR FREE many beverages and wicked food while hobnobbing with the social elite.
My brother, friend Kent and I pulled this one off at a corporate New Year's Eve Black and White event after the Flames and the Canadiens game. The gig was we were in private acquisitions and discretion prevented us from naming our clients and what exactly it was we acquired. The bar tab was probably around$2000 ( 3 or 4 bottles of Dom Perignon and drinks for the neighbours) and we put back about 5 or 6 lobsters before leaving. I expensed it to the company account...
2. The Jedi Mind Trick- Star Wars: this requires assuming all of your drunken mental prowess and skillfully and powerfully entering the mind of someone else and manipulating it to your own advantage.
During the G-8 summit in Kannanaskis, the entire downtown core of Calgary was sealed and heavily fortified with police, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, snipers, etc. I.D. badges were issued to those that worked on Stephen Ave. We never got ours. My co-workers Dan and Ted and I had gone for a sociable to our buddy's bar down the street and got hammered. Upon trying to go back to our pub, we were stopped by the border patrol who wanted to see our identification. With a wave of the hand, a cross-eyed stare and a slurred reminder that they didn't need to see our papers and that we weren't the terrorists they were looking for, I thought long and hard about how a slice of pizza would taste good...NO...a donair...mmmm. The guards were not amused but the old boy in charge, laughing his ass off, walked up and nailed it...'These aren't the terrorists we're looking for...we don't need to see their papers...move along." Perfect...
3. The Pizza in Class - Fast Times at Ridgemont High: classic and simple; in between classes order a pizza to your next class. If it's a big school, be sure to name the room number and which floor it's on.
Grade 8. Wilfred Hunt Elementary. Tony, Ian and I employed the aid of Tannis, who went to the catholic school on the other side of the football field, to make the order (so the call couldn't be traced back to us...) for a XL pepperoni. 30 minutes later with a knock on the door VOILA! Our teacher was not amused...nor was the principal...nor was the principal of the catholic school after we ratted out Tannis and pinned the whole thing on her. Apologies from the Pope's educator to our Commander In Chief followed, along with $25 to cover for the pizza. And then the three of us along with the principal sat in his office and ate it while talking about the 'Riders. Perfect. Tannis is still pissed at that one...
4. Planting One on a Total Stranger - Mr. Jones: extremely dangerous but super-adrenaline rush/make somebody's day reward to be gained if successful. This involves walking up to a woman on the street, grab her and dip her a'la Tango dance and give her a make-the-knees-tremble smoocheroonie. Bonus points if they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/husband/wife/life partner. Serious Asskicking Threat...be prepared to haul some serious ass. This CANNOT take place in a bar or at night or anywhere where alcohol could be a factor. It HAS to be a spur of the moment daylight stroll for effectiveness.
Cornwall Centre, downtown Regina, Saturday afternoon. Deano, Corey and I were in the mall and I was talking about how cool some of the things Richard Gere did in the movie were. That's when Corey said "Well here's your chance...that girl right there" and he pointed to a pretty lady strolling with her (thank god...) friend who made Hulk Hogan look like Urkel from Family Matters. So, damning the torpedoes and charging full speed ahead, off I went and did it. She let out a "What the..?" and he let out a "WHAT THE FUCK!!" and then proceeded to reach out and get ready to send me off into the ionosphere when she said "Hold it! What the hell was that all about?" Trying to look calm and composed while being completely scared shitless, I stammered "It's a gift. You looked like the kind to appreciate a good kiss. Have a nice day" and then turned around. As I walked away praying to God, Allah, Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald and Big Bird she asked "Do you always just walk up to women you don't know and kiss them?" Stopping and turning around, I said "No...just you." Perfect. The slow smile appeared on her face and she gave me a wink and a "thanks...made my day", Robotron smiled in disbelief and shook his head while saying "crazy fucker" and back to the lads I went, who sat there with there jaws agape. NOTE: Having been VERY lucky that day, I have never attempted nor thought of ever attempting this again.
5. Buzz The Tower - Top Gun: request permission, fail to receive it and then go ahead and fly by the air traffic control tower at Mach 1.
6. Show off the Panties - Sixteen Candles: ask a woman if you can borrow her underpants for 5 minutes, to show them off to your friends after charging them a buck to view them in the washroom. Keep in mind that when making the request, you HAVE to use the word UNDERPANTS and that you CANNOT tell her why you need to borrow them except that you have a bet with your buddies and that it would help out and mean a lot if she lets you. Stupid, immature and completely retarded I admit, but does ANYONE know of ANYONE that has done this or had it asked of them?? That's why it's on the list.
7. Tough Guy Talkdown - Resevoir Dogs, Dirty Harry, any basic macho bullshit GUY movie - be approached and or accosted by drunk tough guy asshole and when the prerequisite "Wanna step outside" of "You think you're a tough guy?" is uttered, attempt to quote a line from any one of the movies, stare intently, calm and completely undisturbed and watch them back down and walk away, hopefully apologizing for the misunderstanding.
Too many times unfortunately...lots of idiots out there. Now becoming one isn't the best solution, I know I know, but sometimes you can gauge the situation and pull it off. Lifetime record on this one is spotty and since I have grown up and being Buddhist, this is no longer is employed...well, once or twice...I never said I was the Dalai Lama. All I have to say on this one is, it's worked and it hasn't worked...and, yes I have had my ass handed to me many times as a result. The best time it did work, however, was with a drunk British soldier in downtown Calgary and I quoted Vinnie Jones WITH the British "FECK OFF" accent from "Snatch". I'm not sure HOW but work it did. In fact, he and his mates (who would have enrolled me into the Bloody Puddle Society forever) came over to apologize and proceeded to buy me pints for the rest of the night, but not for my mates, who were in disbelief and pissed off at the same time. They are currently in Afghanistan and we hook up whenever they come over...good blokes, they are. Again, very lucky...
8. Fake Orgasm in a Restaurant - When Harry Met Sally: we all know this one. I think it would be hilarious if a man was to do it but have yet to do it or see it done. Nor have I been able to convince a female friend of mine to do it...one day, though.
9. Turn Real Life Into A Musical Number - The Sound Of Music, etc.: whenever someone needs some advice or a question answered or asks how you feel about someone or what you think about something, respond by jumping up and bursting into song while performing some well-choreographed dance moves. Be sure to direct your song to the person still sitting by pointing at them and doing the old "there you go!" finger wave and to incorporate those around you into the number by looking at them for support and running things by them, so they nod in agreement or say "RIGHT!".
Everyone I know still to this day carries the fear and dread of me doing this at any given moment. If you are one of the few that I haven't done this to, consider yourself lucky or terribly unfortunate, depending on what your idea of fun is and what makes you laugh.
10. The Nazi Clap Inspiring Speech - Malcolm X, Can't Buy Me Love, Animal House, Patton, etc: again, everyone knows this one. Take advantage of a situation by turning a conversation with someone, usually regarding an argument or request for advice, and stand up and begin to address not only the person you're with but EVERY SINGLE PERSON within earshot. Be sure to make comments that the crowd can relate to and agree with ("EVERYONE HAS! RIGHT? Who here HASN'T been heartbroken?" or "You think you are the only person to want to be LOVED?" etc...) The trick is to keep the audience's attention long enough to end your speech with a "Don't ask me...ASK EVERYBODY HERE! WHO'S WITH ME ON THIS ONE??" An then look at someone to begin the clap by looking like you are about to clap yourself...BUT DON'T.
read number nine to see how I feel about this one...
So, there you go. I look forward to see which ones you all have employed or rely on in your daily battles with this sometimes mundane and utterly boring thing we call Life. It's all about keeping things fun and not so typical.
Now we all develop affinities to movies that we love, granted. In fact, it's gotten to the point where my sometimes my brothers and I cannot relate a personal sentiment or emotion on our own. We have to recall a scene or a bit of dialogue to get our point across. Yep, that's bad. Especially when the person you are talking to hasn't seen that film or cannot remember that scene or solioquy. Most of the time that person is a woman, simply because they don't commit to memory dialogue from films the way us boys do.
Why is that anyway? It's always the boys that remember the stupid, inane and trivial stuff but rarely do you find a girl that can do it and NEVER do they hold the same enthusiasm for it as we do. Do they not understand how vital that information can be in a pub argument? Hmmm...
Anyway, the point of today's blurt is to list the Top Ten Things Seen In A Movie To Attempt For The Sheer Hell Of It And Just To See If I Could In Fact Pull It Off Before I Die.
The movie in which the stunt appeared shall follow after the name of the stunt and commentary follows with the ones I did in fact pull off. Keep in mind that there is a strict protocol to be followed when attempting any of these, as well as remembering that the distinct possibility of being arrested when attempting some of them is very real.
The rules to be followed are: You must ALWAYS have at least 2 witnesses/accomplices with each attempt. You must ALWAYS state aloud to aformentioned lackeys which stunt you will be attempting and cite which movie it appeared in, unless they are on par with their movie knowledge, which in that case just naming the stunt will suffice. For bonus rico suave points, you can just go ahead and do the stunt without prior mention but this can be tricky due to the fact that your witnesses/accomplices will usually say out loud, and possibly crucifying any chance whatsoever of pulling it off, "What the hell are you doing?". This should only be attempted by true masters of the art of being a complete and total idiot and getting away with it. NOT RECOMMENDED.
1. The Abe Froman - Ferris Bueller's Day Off: this involves you assuming the identity of someone else and usually allows you to enjoy FOR FREE many beverages and wicked food while hobnobbing with the social elite.
My brother, friend Kent and I pulled this one off at a corporate New Year's Eve Black and White event after the Flames and the Canadiens game. The gig was we were in private acquisitions and discretion prevented us from naming our clients and what exactly it was we acquired. The bar tab was probably around$2000 ( 3 or 4 bottles of Dom Perignon and drinks for the neighbours) and we put back about 5 or 6 lobsters before leaving. I expensed it to the company account...
2. The Jedi Mind Trick- Star Wars: this requires assuming all of your drunken mental prowess and skillfully and powerfully entering the mind of someone else and manipulating it to your own advantage.
During the G-8 summit in Kannanaskis, the entire downtown core of Calgary was sealed and heavily fortified with police, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, snipers, etc. I.D. badges were issued to those that worked on Stephen Ave. We never got ours. My co-workers Dan and Ted and I had gone for a sociable to our buddy's bar down the street and got hammered. Upon trying to go back to our pub, we were stopped by the border patrol who wanted to see our identification. With a wave of the hand, a cross-eyed stare and a slurred reminder that they didn't need to see our papers and that we weren't the terrorists they were looking for, I thought long and hard about how a slice of pizza would taste good...NO...a donair...mmmm. The guards were not amused but the old boy in charge, laughing his ass off, walked up and nailed it...'These aren't the terrorists we're looking for...we don't need to see their papers...move along." Perfect...
3. The Pizza in Class - Fast Times at Ridgemont High: classic and simple; in between classes order a pizza to your next class. If it's a big school, be sure to name the room number and which floor it's on.
Grade 8. Wilfred Hunt Elementary. Tony, Ian and I employed the aid of Tannis, who went to the catholic school on the other side of the football field, to make the order (so the call couldn't be traced back to us...) for a XL pepperoni. 30 minutes later with a knock on the door VOILA! Our teacher was not amused...nor was the principal...nor was the principal of the catholic school after we ratted out Tannis and pinned the whole thing on her. Apologies from the Pope's educator to our Commander In Chief followed, along with $25 to cover for the pizza. And then the three of us along with the principal sat in his office and ate it while talking about the 'Riders. Perfect. Tannis is still pissed at that one...
4. Planting One on a Total Stranger - Mr. Jones: extremely dangerous but super-adrenaline rush/make somebody's day reward to be gained if successful. This involves walking up to a woman on the street, grab her and dip her a'la Tango dance and give her a make-the-knees-tremble smoocheroonie. Bonus points if they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/husband/wife/life partner. Serious Asskicking Threat...be prepared to haul some serious ass. This CANNOT take place in a bar or at night or anywhere where alcohol could be a factor. It HAS to be a spur of the moment daylight stroll for effectiveness.
Cornwall Centre, downtown Regina, Saturday afternoon. Deano, Corey and I were in the mall and I was talking about how cool some of the things Richard Gere did in the movie were. That's when Corey said "Well here's your chance...that girl right there" and he pointed to a pretty lady strolling with her (thank god...) friend who made Hulk Hogan look like Urkel from Family Matters. So, damning the torpedoes and charging full speed ahead, off I went and did it. She let out a "What the..?" and he let out a "WHAT THE FUCK!!" and then proceeded to reach out and get ready to send me off into the ionosphere when she said "Hold it! What the hell was that all about?" Trying to look calm and composed while being completely scared shitless, I stammered "It's a gift. You looked like the kind to appreciate a good kiss. Have a nice day" and then turned around. As I walked away praying to God, Allah, Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald and Big Bird she asked "Do you always just walk up to women you don't know and kiss them?" Stopping and turning around, I said "No...just you." Perfect. The slow smile appeared on her face and she gave me a wink and a "thanks...made my day", Robotron smiled in disbelief and shook his head while saying "crazy fucker" and back to the lads I went, who sat there with there jaws agape. NOTE: Having been VERY lucky that day, I have never attempted nor thought of ever attempting this again.
5. Buzz The Tower - Top Gun: request permission, fail to receive it and then go ahead and fly by the air traffic control tower at Mach 1.
6. Show off the Panties - Sixteen Candles: ask a woman if you can borrow her underpants for 5 minutes, to show them off to your friends after charging them a buck to view them in the washroom. Keep in mind that when making the request, you HAVE to use the word UNDERPANTS and that you CANNOT tell her why you need to borrow them except that you have a bet with your buddies and that it would help out and mean a lot if she lets you. Stupid, immature and completely retarded I admit, but does ANYONE know of ANYONE that has done this or had it asked of them?? That's why it's on the list.
7. Tough Guy Talkdown - Resevoir Dogs, Dirty Harry, any basic macho bullshit GUY movie - be approached and or accosted by drunk tough guy asshole and when the prerequisite "Wanna step outside" of "You think you're a tough guy?" is uttered, attempt to quote a line from any one of the movies, stare intently, calm and completely undisturbed and watch them back down and walk away, hopefully apologizing for the misunderstanding.
Too many times unfortunately...lots of idiots out there. Now becoming one isn't the best solution, I know I know, but sometimes you can gauge the situation and pull it off. Lifetime record on this one is spotty and since I have grown up and being Buddhist, this is no longer is employed...well, once or twice...I never said I was the Dalai Lama. All I have to say on this one is, it's worked and it hasn't worked...and, yes I have had my ass handed to me many times as a result. The best time it did work, however, was with a drunk British soldier in downtown Calgary and I quoted Vinnie Jones WITH the British "FECK OFF" accent from "Snatch". I'm not sure HOW but work it did. In fact, he and his mates (who would have enrolled me into the Bloody Puddle Society forever) came over to apologize and proceeded to buy me pints for the rest of the night, but not for my mates, who were in disbelief and pissed off at the same time. They are currently in Afghanistan and we hook up whenever they come over...good blokes, they are. Again, very lucky...
8. Fake Orgasm in a Restaurant - When Harry Met Sally: we all know this one. I think it would be hilarious if a man was to do it but have yet to do it or see it done. Nor have I been able to convince a female friend of mine to do it...one day, though.
9. Turn Real Life Into A Musical Number - The Sound Of Music, etc.: whenever someone needs some advice or a question answered or asks how you feel about someone or what you think about something, respond by jumping up and bursting into song while performing some well-choreographed dance moves. Be sure to direct your song to the person still sitting by pointing at them and doing the old "there you go!" finger wave and to incorporate those around you into the number by looking at them for support and running things by them, so they nod in agreement or say "RIGHT!".
Everyone I know still to this day carries the fear and dread of me doing this at any given moment. If you are one of the few that I haven't done this to, consider yourself lucky or terribly unfortunate, depending on what your idea of fun is and what makes you laugh.
10. The Nazi Clap Inspiring Speech - Malcolm X, Can't Buy Me Love, Animal House, Patton, etc: again, everyone knows this one. Take advantage of a situation by turning a conversation with someone, usually regarding an argument or request for advice, and stand up and begin to address not only the person you're with but EVERY SINGLE PERSON within earshot. Be sure to make comments that the crowd can relate to and agree with ("EVERYONE HAS! RIGHT? Who here HASN'T been heartbroken?" or "You think you are the only person to want to be LOVED?" etc...) The trick is to keep the audience's attention long enough to end your speech with a "Don't ask me...ASK EVERYBODY HERE! WHO'S WITH ME ON THIS ONE??" An then look at someone to begin the clap by looking like you are about to clap yourself...BUT DON'T.
read number nine to see how I feel about this one...
So, there you go. I look forward to see which ones you all have employed or rely on in your daily battles with this sometimes mundane and utterly boring thing we call Life. It's all about keeping things fun and not so typical.
Horace was a jerk although he did write about pretty flowers...
Carpe Diem...seize the day.
That has been getting tossed around again by many people in many conversations as of late. My brothers, my friends and, one or two television programs as well as an interview I read in one of my favourite magazines. And NO, it was't Hustler...but it was in the last issue of Batman I read as well...weird.
But then I got to thinking there really isn't anything that weird about it at all considering the state of the world today as we know it. People are frustrated, fed up...we've had enough. Many people I know are currently in a position of stability, I guess but they are far from being stable internally. They took on a new position or an entirely new career within the last year for the stability and they are finding it to be a thoroughly dissapointing experience. Some of them are hating it outright but plugging away regardless, some are hoping for an improvement in their environments and some are waiting for the dangling carrot to drop a little bit closer. Some are smack dab in the middle of a transition phase, unsure of what the next step taken will be.
But at the same time everyone is doing what they have to do. They're floating and they're doing what it takes to stay that way. And that is what it comes down to. I wonder how many people have actually ever read Horace's Odes where Carpe Diem originated from. I assume that the majority of us recall it from Dead Poet's Society, where Mr. Keating used it along with Whitman to inspire the boys to damn the torpedoes and charge full steam ahead into Life, to go out and "suck the marrow out of Life..." A terribly positive and energetic call to arms, to defend the soul and vanquish any threat to chasing and fulfilling one's dreams.
The poem however, is a wee bit different than Mr. Keating's interpretation. It's not this hopeful and heart-stirring suggestion that we have come to think of it as. On the contrary, it's a warning. And a very powerful one at that. The following translation isn't the original but it does employ a language that is more approachable for interpretation...
That has been getting tossed around again by many people in many conversations as of late. My brothers, my friends and, one or two television programs as well as an interview I read in one of my favourite magazines. And NO, it was't Hustler...but it was in the last issue of Batman I read as well...weird.
But then I got to thinking there really isn't anything that weird about it at all considering the state of the world today as we know it. People are frustrated, fed up...we've had enough. Many people I know are currently in a position of stability, I guess but they are far from being stable internally. They took on a new position or an entirely new career within the last year for the stability and they are finding it to be a thoroughly dissapointing experience. Some of them are hating it outright but plugging away regardless, some are hoping for an improvement in their environments and some are waiting for the dangling carrot to drop a little bit closer. Some are smack dab in the middle of a transition phase, unsure of what the next step taken will be.
But at the same time everyone is doing what they have to do. They're floating and they're doing what it takes to stay that way. And that is what it comes down to. I wonder how many people have actually ever read Horace's Odes where Carpe Diem originated from. I assume that the majority of us recall it from Dead Poet's Society, where Mr. Keating used it along with Whitman to inspire the boys to damn the torpedoes and charge full steam ahead into Life, to go out and "suck the marrow out of Life..." A terribly positive and energetic call to arms, to defend the soul and vanquish any threat to chasing and fulfilling one's dreams.
The poem however, is a wee bit different than Mr. Keating's interpretation. It's not this hopeful and heart-stirring suggestion that we have come to think of it as. On the contrary, it's a warning. And a very powerful one at that. The following translation isn't the original but it does employ a language that is more approachable for interpretation...
"Leuconoe, don't ask-it's forbidden to know-what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian fortune-telling either. Better just deal with whatever comes your way. Whether you'll see several more winters or whether the last one Jupiter gives you is the one even now pelting the rocks on the shore with the waves of the Tyrrhenian sea; be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes to a short period. Even as we speak, envious time is running away from us. Seize the day and trust as little as possible in the future."
So with that in mind, I thought it would be fitting to throw out something a little more positive for us all to be inspired by...ahem...
"when in Rome..."
FUCK the Romans. They had their chance, now it's ours. So if you're having a shitty day at work, STOP. Drop whatever it is, or walk away. Go outside, even if it's shitty out,a ironic complement to the day you may be having, and take a deep breath. Just to remind yourself that you are still breathing, you're still alive. That's carpe diem. That's what ol' Horace was getting at. Don't leap over tall buildings, or climb Everest, or work up the courage to approach that cute guy or pretty girl. Just breathe and remind yourself that you still can.
If you can do that, then you can do anything. Because that's all it takes. No willpower or confronting insecurity or anything silly like that. Knowing you're alive will allow you to do everything you could ever want to do.
And too many of us are too busy trying to live to realize that we don't really have to.
And if that doesn't work, then go out and get plastered. It may not help initially but at the end of the night or first thing in the morning, when you are praying for death to come quickly, you might just realize there are better ways to remind yourself that you are still alive then talking to Ralph on the porcelain phone or going to work with a brutal hangover. Yeah, that's definitely ONE way to know you're still alive...unless you're pregnant. In that case, seize your belly, there is more than enough reminder contained within it.
So with that in mind, I thought it would be fitting to throw out something a little more positive for us all to be inspired by...ahem...
"when in Rome..."
FUCK the Romans. They had their chance, now it's ours. So if you're having a shitty day at work, STOP. Drop whatever it is, or walk away. Go outside, even if it's shitty out,a ironic complement to the day you may be having, and take a deep breath. Just to remind yourself that you are still breathing, you're still alive. That's carpe diem. That's what ol' Horace was getting at. Don't leap over tall buildings, or climb Everest, or work up the courage to approach that cute guy or pretty girl. Just breathe and remind yourself that you still can.
If you can do that, then you can do anything. Because that's all it takes. No willpower or confronting insecurity or anything silly like that. Knowing you're alive will allow you to do everything you could ever want to do.
And too many of us are too busy trying to live to realize that we don't really have to.
And if that doesn't work, then go out and get plastered. It may not help initially but at the end of the night or first thing in the morning, when you are praying for death to come quickly, you might just realize there are better ways to remind yourself that you are still alive then talking to Ralph on the porcelain phone or going to work with a brutal hangover. Yeah, that's definitely ONE way to know you're still alive...unless you're pregnant. In that case, seize your belly, there is more than enough reminder contained within it.
reminders are good things...
So I was sitting on the teebox this morning, watching my dad CRUSH one WAAAAAAAY out there...nice shot Mel...and I got to thinking of what has been good lately...
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Meatloaf (the food not the dude...)
The Icicle Works' "Whisper To A Scream" (there's a blast from the past...)
Pep-O-Mint Life Savers
Wonka bars (the kind with the crunches inside...mmm)
golf (except for today...stupid dad...SIX strokes...sighhh)
Punk music (the REAL stuff not the new crud...)
my lime green polo shirt
Batman (he is THE MAN natch', but lately? WOW...what a killer comic...)
correspondence with friends ALL OVER the place
Crown Floats (deeeeeeeee-lish...highly recommended)
Porn (not that I've been watching any, but thinking about it makes me smile...don't ask.)
towels fresh from the dryer
playing the piano
Midge from Archie comics (again...don't ask.)
my underwear (boxer briefs are SOOO comfy...like a hug from mom)
women (NOT girls. women. good stuff. I'm lucky to know some really nice women. nice chats.)
Shirley Chisholm (she's one of my idols. If you have to ask, shame on you. REPENT sinners. Google her name and read the Wikipedia. RIGHT NOW. And then go out and buy/rent the documentary. RIGHT NOW. )
so yeah...
lots of good stuff.
Meatloaf (the food not the dude...)
The Icicle Works' "Whisper To A Scream" (there's a blast from the past...)
Pep-O-Mint Life Savers
Wonka bars (the kind with the crunches inside...mmm)
golf (except for today...stupid dad...SIX strokes...sighhh)
Punk music (the REAL stuff not the new crud...)
my lime green polo shirt
Batman (he is THE MAN natch', but lately? WOW...what a killer comic...)
correspondence with friends ALL OVER the place
Crown Floats (deeeeeeeee-lish...highly recommended)
Porn (not that I've been watching any, but thinking about it makes me smile...don't ask.)
towels fresh from the dryer
playing the piano
Midge from Archie comics (again...don't ask.)
my underwear (boxer briefs are SOOO comfy...like a hug from mom)
women (NOT girls. women. good stuff. I'm lucky to know some really nice women. nice chats.)
Shirley Chisholm (she's one of my idols. If you have to ask, shame on you. REPENT sinners. Google her name and read the Wikipedia. RIGHT NOW. And then go out and buy/rent the documentary. RIGHT NOW. )
so yeah...
lots of good stuff.
Sept. 12 marks the anniversary of the development of the original weapon of mass destruction...
Due to the fact that it is in fact my birthday today, I am unable to rant or enlighten today mainly because at 7:18 this morning my father and I went golfing...
but I shall leave these for your perusal since they are all we really need to know...
"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once they grow up"
but I shall leave these for your perusal since they are all we really need to know...
"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once they grow up"
Pablo Picasso
"If somebody thinks they are a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
all from Douglas Adams
"Ask your child what they want for dinner only if they are buying."
Fran Leibowitz
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett
"New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. the more truth we have to work with, the richer we become.
Kurt Vonnegut
"Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things."
Diderot
"To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state."
Goethe
Brave ears come from Brave New Waves...
Growing up in the flatlands posed several challenges to the development of the mind as a teenager and young adult; the main one, of course, being isolation and the suffering that ensues as a result. The biggest fear one had within our group was lack of exposure to what was OUT THERE.
Sure, Regina had a nationally funded art gallery, one of the oldest symphonies in the country always putting on free concerts throughout the year, a world-renowned jazz society bringing in the hep cats and sultry torchies and who could forget that NANA MOUSKOURI came here EVERY year for a week's worth of performances since the 70's?
Sure, Regina had a nationally funded art gallery, one of the oldest symphonies in the country always putting on free concerts throughout the year, a world-renowned jazz society bringing in the hep cats and sultry torchies and who could forget that NANA MOUSKOURI came here EVERY year for a week's worth of performances since the 70's?
But as Ol' Blue Eyes Frankie Baby once said... "I want to put tunes out there for the young people to dig, so for me to do that I have to know what the young people want to dig..." And there was the dilemna. We knew we wanted to listen to something else, something so completely different from everything the city's AM and FM stations had to offer us, that and Nana wasn't really known for being too groovy...
So, being isolated from a metropolis that could offer what we needed, mainly a college radio station, we had to rely on two sources of salvation, three individuals that were not mere mortals. No, these people were our BEACONS of audio awareness, they had the knowledge of the different worlds of music that lay somewhere out there, away from where we were. And through these individuals, we faithful and devoted members of the congregation of hungry listeners and audiophiles travelled to vastly underexplored sonic regions that quickly became familiar territory, and in some cases, home.
As mentioned, being isolated prevented us from hearing the world without travel. But we relied on the world travelling to us, as reflected in the old adage..."If the mountain doesn't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed goes to the mountain..." And Mohammed DID come to the mountain, or at least to the dwellers of the mountain...the really flat mountain...
And his name was Brent Bambury, and he travelled to us via radiowave aboard Brave New Waves. The radio show he hosted FOREVER on CBC that came on at midnight was our burning bush. Brent unknowingly SAVED all of us by providing the obscure, the underground, the screechings from other parts of the world, the arcane, the bizarre, the fantastically strange and even the downright weird. He would play albums of noise...just noise...I can't even begin to describe some of the oddities he played, from time to time. I recall an industrial band from Germany that started in the early 80's that played only power tools ON abandoned factories and steel mills...yeah, that's right...they recording themselves grinding and hammering and drilling...well, buildings. I'm sure they played the odd piece of metal that was laying around, but these cats were playing STRUCTURES...with power tools. I remember sitting around with friends listening, as we all eventually came to the conclusion that we had no idea what the hell it was we had just heard, nor were we sure whether we liked it or not.
But it was DIFFERENT. And we knew we liked that. And we liked it a lot...
Due to Waves, we got introduced to the bands and genres that eventually ended up defining our generation and that sadly but inevitably became the NEW BIG THING. Counter-culture became the dominant culture and pathetically coughed up that term we all still loathe...ALTERNATIVE. What once was a vague all-encompassing term is now a dust collector in most records shops, a clearly defined genre of music that most people don't even know that much about still. EVERYTHING became alternative if it was unknown, which didn't make sense to us but satisified the naive and ignorant. But we weren't listening to ALTERNATIVE, we were listening to Brave New Waves.
The best thing about the show was that aside from the intro, which was different every night, the only thing you knew that was coming up was the artist he was featuring in that evening's profile. And THAT WAS IT. We never had a CLUE as to what he would be playing for us, and that's what made the show fantastic. FM radio with no format? No playlist? Well, there was one but only Brent had it and he wasn't saying shit; that would wreck the surprise of 15 minutes of uninterrupted digital cacophony blaring out of our speakers followed by Balinese natives banging hollow logs with sticks followed by Star Trek audio samples being played backwards while someone drove over various orchestra instruments with a snowplow that had a radio tuned to nothing but static.
Weird? You bet your ass. I had never been scared before by music on a radio...well, except for Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" but anyone who has ever seen "The Exorcist" suffers from that same condition and it only gets played like once a year, usually at Christmas for some strange reason and ONLY on CLASSIC radio stations...so, that's good.
Brent gave us the world the way he heard it; in equal portions of debauchery, violence, polyrhythmic chaos, electronic creepiness, folksy, bizarrely bizarre, subtle and soothing, aggressive torture...basically, sonic bliss. We faithfully tuned into Waves EVERY NIGHT except for the weekend.
That show was "Night Lines" with David Wisdom as our tour guide and he was just as deliciously odd as Brent was and in some ways, hard to believe but true, weirder. But Brave New Waves was OURS. Only the cool kids were tuning in. And by being cool, we actually weren't all that cool. We were not the jocks or the social elite. We were the social misifits, the army boots wearing, trenchcoat sheathed oddities that drank coffee and read Kerouac and Nietzche. Not to be cool, GOD NO, but because we had stumbled on the stuff that was there but wasn't readily available or being thrown out to the masses. We had searched for something different and we found it. And Brent catered to us all willingly. He sated our voracious appetites and by doing so, created a socially conscious and very well-aware body of listeners that would turn their backs on Top 40 radio and those unwilling to explore forever.
Music snobs? Yep. Music Nazis? You betcha. People that have yet to settle for the typical, average, formulaic offerings of mediocre labels pushing even more mediocre acts. Yep. We are nomads, in pursuit of that new sound...not knowing who is going to create it or where it is going to originate from but all the same knowing it's just around the corner. And we all owe that to Brent. So, don't blame us for getting all huffy and cynical when it comes to discussing or listening to musical acts...hold Waves accountable, if you want to point your finger. It will be more than happy to take the blame. So, blame Waves. We all do...and that's why we love Brent and Patti and David so and hold Brave New Waves and Night Lines so close to our hearts.
The show is still on. Fair damsel Patti Schmidt is our tour guide. She took over the reins of that snorting, bucking, high-kicking ferocious beast of a show from Brent back in '95 and she has yet to plot a course in travelling the musical universe, just boldly going wherever and sharing her findings with us. Just as it should be...the way they taught us to listen right from the get-go.
As mentioned, being isolated prevented us from hearing the world without travel. But we relied on the world travelling to us, as reflected in the old adage..."If the mountain doesn't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed goes to the mountain..." And Mohammed DID come to the mountain, or at least to the dwellers of the mountain...the really flat mountain...
And his name was Brent Bambury, and he travelled to us via radiowave aboard Brave New Waves. The radio show he hosted FOREVER on CBC that came on at midnight was our burning bush. Brent unknowingly SAVED all of us by providing the obscure, the underground, the screechings from other parts of the world, the arcane, the bizarre, the fantastically strange and even the downright weird. He would play albums of noise...just noise...I can't even begin to describe some of the oddities he played, from time to time. I recall an industrial band from Germany that started in the early 80's that played only power tools ON abandoned factories and steel mills...yeah, that's right...they recording themselves grinding and hammering and drilling...well, buildings. I'm sure they played the odd piece of metal that was laying around, but these cats were playing STRUCTURES...with power tools. I remember sitting around with friends listening, as we all eventually came to the conclusion that we had no idea what the hell it was we had just heard, nor were we sure whether we liked it or not.
But it was DIFFERENT. And we knew we liked that. And we liked it a lot...
Due to Waves, we got introduced to the bands and genres that eventually ended up defining our generation and that sadly but inevitably became the NEW BIG THING. Counter-culture became the dominant culture and pathetically coughed up that term we all still loathe...ALTERNATIVE. What once was a vague all-encompassing term is now a dust collector in most records shops, a clearly defined genre of music that most people don't even know that much about still. EVERYTHING became alternative if it was unknown, which didn't make sense to us but satisified the naive and ignorant. But we weren't listening to ALTERNATIVE, we were listening to Brave New Waves.
The best thing about the show was that aside from the intro, which was different every night, the only thing you knew that was coming up was the artist he was featuring in that evening's profile. And THAT WAS IT. We never had a CLUE as to what he would be playing for us, and that's what made the show fantastic. FM radio with no format? No playlist? Well, there was one but only Brent had it and he wasn't saying shit; that would wreck the surprise of 15 minutes of uninterrupted digital cacophony blaring out of our speakers followed by Balinese natives banging hollow logs with sticks followed by Star Trek audio samples being played backwards while someone drove over various orchestra instruments with a snowplow that had a radio tuned to nothing but static.
Weird? You bet your ass. I had never been scared before by music on a radio...well, except for Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" but anyone who has ever seen "The Exorcist" suffers from that same condition and it only gets played like once a year, usually at Christmas for some strange reason and ONLY on CLASSIC radio stations...so, that's good.
Brent gave us the world the way he heard it; in equal portions of debauchery, violence, polyrhythmic chaos, electronic creepiness, folksy, bizarrely bizarre, subtle and soothing, aggressive torture...basically, sonic bliss. We faithfully tuned into Waves EVERY NIGHT except for the weekend.
That show was "Night Lines" with David Wisdom as our tour guide and he was just as deliciously odd as Brent was and in some ways, hard to believe but true, weirder. But Brave New Waves was OURS. Only the cool kids were tuning in. And by being cool, we actually weren't all that cool. We were not the jocks or the social elite. We were the social misifits, the army boots wearing, trenchcoat sheathed oddities that drank coffee and read Kerouac and Nietzche. Not to be cool, GOD NO, but because we had stumbled on the stuff that was there but wasn't readily available or being thrown out to the masses. We had searched for something different and we found it. And Brent catered to us all willingly. He sated our voracious appetites and by doing so, created a socially conscious and very well-aware body of listeners that would turn their backs on Top 40 radio and those unwilling to explore forever.
Music snobs? Yep. Music Nazis? You betcha. People that have yet to settle for the typical, average, formulaic offerings of mediocre labels pushing even more mediocre acts. Yep. We are nomads, in pursuit of that new sound...not knowing who is going to create it or where it is going to originate from but all the same knowing it's just around the corner. And we all owe that to Brent. So, don't blame us for getting all huffy and cynical when it comes to discussing or listening to musical acts...hold Waves accountable, if you want to point your finger. It will be more than happy to take the blame. So, blame Waves. We all do...and that's why we love Brent and Patti and David so and hold Brave New Waves and Night Lines so close to our hearts.
The show is still on. Fair damsel Patti Schmidt is our tour guide. She took over the reins of that snorting, bucking, high-kicking ferocious beast of a show from Brent back in '95 and she has yet to plot a course in travelling the musical universe, just boldly going wherever and sharing her findings with us. Just as it should be...the way they taught us to listen right from the get-go.
It doesn't matter what day of the week it is...
"Only through Art can we get outside of ourselves and know another's view of the Universe."
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcel Proust
"The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius
Having been inundated with show upon show upon documentary upon made-for-TV movie upon opinion column upon article upon soundbite in regards to the looming anniversary of the attacks of the World Trade Centre, I had to stop and remove myself entirely from having any contact whatsoever with any form of media and/or entertainment medium. The spin doctors have been quite busy as of late but aside from the spinning revolving around this one event, I found myself looking deeper and having my greatest fear be realized.
Many of us have, in fact, have become gerbils. Many of us await in our well defined little environment and wait for the next pellet to be dropped into little hands. Movies, music, books, magazines...anything remotely connected to culture is no longer sought out. On PBS there is The Charlie Rose show. Yes, he can be quite boring if politics isn't your bag baby, but he insists on having guests from every walk of life, guests that will inspire you, intrigue you, and God forbid actually make you think. His is pretty much the only TALK show worth watching...well that and the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; his show matters simply because I swear 99% of it is completely unscripted. from his ad lib opening monologue to the sketches throughout the show.
And THAT, my cheeky little monkeys, is what we as viewers need. Unrehearsed content, the unexpected, the real deal. Enough with the visual pablum that is safe and comfortable and TOTALLY predictable. We don't want to think or learn before we go to bed... Yeah, but we do want to laugh, we do want to be able to relax but does that mean we have to do it in the same manner EVERY night. BORRRRRRING. We become desensitized, mindless nubskulls that run the risk of even knowing what we like after awhile.
Anyway, Charlie had on the editors of Time and Newsweek last night and he was asking them how do you get readers to read your magazine. and they both said fresh new storywriting, the story will capture the reader. A fresh new way of EXPLAINING events on top of reporting them. They had both found that people weren't reading their respective magazines because they didn't know the history behind what was being reported. So, they felt compelled to provide explanatory articles, primers if you will, for the reader to peruse and get caught up to speed with.
And that got me thinking. Most of the people I know, as well as you yourself know, aren't so much ignorant of certain facts or events. They just aren't INTERESTED at all. And that one little fact is what both editors and Charlie, the man himself, failed to bring up. In fact, it's a sad thing to admit that I myself and you out there can be hardpressed to think of ANYTHING that interests quite a lot of people we know. Scary hey? If it isn't part of their carefully constructed environments, who gives a rat's ass? Iran has a bomb, so what? Doesn't affect me. New movie doesn't have a car crash/car chase/explosion/sex scene/whatever in it? Not interested.
My question is this. Since when did so many people stop being interested in discovering new things? Or stop wanting to learn, to know? We are all too well aware of how our governments, media outlets and entertainment providers have been slowly pulling the wool over our eyes...and we let them. Hell, so many of us prefer it. Less to see, less to know, less to think about....sounds peachy. And now the problem lies not with the wool puller-overs, they have done their job. Mission accomplished. No, I think the problem lies with us underneath the wool...we don't want to come back out. Too boring...too much effort...too scary?
Pretty much everything around us today relies on a simple premise...a formula. Just like Enfalac or Pablum...just the basic requirements to keep you from dying...not really enough to grow on but you will maintain relatively healthy. You don't need anymore than just that and you don't need any less than just that. And that's where a lot of us are...content with just that.
Many of us have, in fact, have become gerbils. Many of us await in our well defined little environment and wait for the next pellet to be dropped into little hands. Movies, music, books, magazines...anything remotely connected to culture is no longer sought out. On PBS there is The Charlie Rose show. Yes, he can be quite boring if politics isn't your bag baby, but he insists on having guests from every walk of life, guests that will inspire you, intrigue you, and God forbid actually make you think. His is pretty much the only TALK show worth watching...well that and the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; his show matters simply because I swear 99% of it is completely unscripted. from his ad lib opening monologue to the sketches throughout the show.
And THAT, my cheeky little monkeys, is what we as viewers need. Unrehearsed content, the unexpected, the real deal. Enough with the visual pablum that is safe and comfortable and TOTALLY predictable. We don't want to think or learn before we go to bed... Yeah, but we do want to laugh, we do want to be able to relax but does that mean we have to do it in the same manner EVERY night. BORRRRRRING. We become desensitized, mindless nubskulls that run the risk of even knowing what we like after awhile.
Anyway, Charlie had on the editors of Time and Newsweek last night and he was asking them how do you get readers to read your magazine. and they both said fresh new storywriting, the story will capture the reader. A fresh new way of EXPLAINING events on top of reporting them. They had both found that people weren't reading their respective magazines because they didn't know the history behind what was being reported. So, they felt compelled to provide explanatory articles, primers if you will, for the reader to peruse and get caught up to speed with.
And that got me thinking. Most of the people I know, as well as you yourself know, aren't so much ignorant of certain facts or events. They just aren't INTERESTED at all. And that one little fact is what both editors and Charlie, the man himself, failed to bring up. In fact, it's a sad thing to admit that I myself and you out there can be hardpressed to think of ANYTHING that interests quite a lot of people we know. Scary hey? If it isn't part of their carefully constructed environments, who gives a rat's ass? Iran has a bomb, so what? Doesn't affect me. New movie doesn't have a car crash/car chase/explosion/sex scene/whatever in it? Not interested.
My question is this. Since when did so many people stop being interested in discovering new things? Or stop wanting to learn, to know? We are all too well aware of how our governments, media outlets and entertainment providers have been slowly pulling the wool over our eyes...and we let them. Hell, so many of us prefer it. Less to see, less to know, less to think about....sounds peachy. And now the problem lies not with the wool puller-overs, they have done their job. Mission accomplished. No, I think the problem lies with us underneath the wool...we don't want to come back out. Too boring...too much effort...too scary?
Pretty much everything around us today relies on a simple premise...a formula. Just like Enfalac or Pablum...just the basic requirements to keep you from dying...not really enough to grow on but you will maintain relatively healthy. You don't need anymore than just that and you don't need any less than just that. And that's where a lot of us are...content with just that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)