So I got this things with movies...love 'em. In fact, one night a few years back my brothers and I attempted to count how many movies we had each seen over the years. We gave up around 2500; 2541 to be exact. I wrote it down...that's how I know. Anyway, this isn't about boasting how many movies I've seen. It's about how I have been influenced by them.
Now we all develop affinities to movies that we love, granted. In fact, it's gotten to the point where my sometimes my brothers and I cannot relate a personal sentiment or emotion on our own. We have to recall a scene or a bit of dialogue to get our point across. Yep, that's bad. Especially when the person you are talking to hasn't seen that film or cannot remember that scene or solioquy. Most of the time that person is a woman, simply because they don't commit to memory dialogue from films the way us boys do.
Why is that anyway? It's always the boys that remember the stupid, inane and trivial stuff but rarely do you find a girl that can do it and NEVER do they hold the same enthusiasm for it as we do. Do they not understand how vital that information can be in a pub argument? Hmmm...
Anyway, the point of today's blurt is to list the Top Ten Things Seen In A Movie To Attempt For The Sheer Hell Of It And Just To See If I Could In Fact Pull It Off Before I Die.
The movie in which the stunt appeared shall follow after the name of the stunt and commentary follows with the ones I did in fact pull off. Keep in mind that there is a strict protocol to be followed when attempting any of these, as well as remembering that the distinct possibility of being arrested when attempting some of them is very real.
The rules to be followed are: You must ALWAYS have at least 2 witnesses/accomplices with each attempt. You must ALWAYS state aloud to aformentioned lackeys which stunt you will be attempting and cite which movie it appeared in, unless they are on par with their movie knowledge, which in that case just naming the stunt will suffice. For bonus rico suave points, you can just go ahead and do the stunt without prior mention but this can be tricky due to the fact that your witnesses/accomplices will usually say out loud, and possibly crucifying any chance whatsoever of pulling it off, "What the hell are you doing?". This should only be attempted by true masters of the art of being a complete and total idiot and getting away with it. NOT RECOMMENDED.
1. The Abe Froman - Ferris Bueller's Day Off: this involves you assuming the identity of someone else and usually allows you to enjoy FOR FREE many beverages and wicked food while hobnobbing with the social elite.
My brother, friend Kent and I pulled this one off at a corporate New Year's Eve Black and White event after the Flames and the Canadiens game. The gig was we were in private acquisitions and discretion prevented us from naming our clients and what exactly it was we acquired. The bar tab was probably around$2000 ( 3 or 4 bottles of Dom Perignon and drinks for the neighbours) and we put back about 5 or 6 lobsters before leaving. I expensed it to the company account...
2. The Jedi Mind Trick- Star Wars: this requires assuming all of your drunken mental prowess and skillfully and powerfully entering the mind of someone else and manipulating it to your own advantage.
During the G-8 summit in Kannanaskis, the entire downtown core of Calgary was sealed and heavily fortified with police, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, snipers, etc. I.D. badges were issued to those that worked on Stephen Ave. We never got ours. My co-workers Dan and Ted and I had gone for a sociable to our buddy's bar down the street and got hammered. Upon trying to go back to our pub, we were stopped by the border patrol who wanted to see our identification. With a wave of the hand, a cross-eyed stare and a slurred reminder that they didn't need to see our papers and that we weren't the terrorists they were looking for, I thought long and hard about how a slice of pizza would taste good...NO...a donair...mmmm. The guards were not amused but the old boy in charge, laughing his ass off, walked up and nailed it...'These aren't the terrorists we're looking for...we don't need to see their papers...move along." Perfect...
3. The Pizza in Class - Fast Times at Ridgemont High: classic and simple; in between classes order a pizza to your next class. If it's a big school, be sure to name the room number and which floor it's on.
Grade 8. Wilfred Hunt Elementary. Tony, Ian and I employed the aid of Tannis, who went to the catholic school on the other side of the football field, to make the order (so the call couldn't be traced back to us...) for a XL pepperoni. 30 minutes later with a knock on the door VOILA! Our teacher was not amused...nor was the principal...nor was the principal of the catholic school after we ratted out Tannis and pinned the whole thing on her. Apologies from the Pope's educator to our Commander In Chief followed, along with $25 to cover for the pizza. And then the three of us along with the principal sat in his office and ate it while talking about the 'Riders. Perfect. Tannis is still pissed at that one...
4. Planting One on a Total Stranger - Mr. Jones: extremely dangerous but super-adrenaline rush/make somebody's day reward to be gained if successful. This involves walking up to a woman on the street, grab her and dip her a'la Tango dance and give her a make-the-knees-tremble smoocheroonie. Bonus points if they are with their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/husband/wife/life partner. Serious Asskicking Threat...be prepared to haul some serious ass. This CANNOT take place in a bar or at night or anywhere where alcohol could be a factor. It HAS to be a spur of the moment daylight stroll for effectiveness.
Cornwall Centre, downtown Regina, Saturday afternoon. Deano, Corey and I were in the mall and I was talking about how cool some of the things Richard Gere did in the movie were. That's when Corey said "Well here's your chance...that girl right there" and he pointed to a pretty lady strolling with her (thank god...) friend who made Hulk Hogan look like Urkel from Family Matters. So, damning the torpedoes and charging full speed ahead, off I went and did it. She let out a "What the..?" and he let out a "WHAT THE FUCK!!" and then proceeded to reach out and get ready to send me off into the ionosphere when she said "Hold it! What the hell was that all about?" Trying to look calm and composed while being completely scared shitless, I stammered "It's a gift. You looked like the kind to appreciate a good kiss. Have a nice day" and then turned around. As I walked away praying to God, Allah, Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald and Big Bird she asked "Do you always just walk up to women you don't know and kiss them?" Stopping and turning around, I said "No...just you." Perfect. The slow smile appeared on her face and she gave me a wink and a "thanks...made my day", Robotron smiled in disbelief and shook his head while saying "crazy fucker" and back to the lads I went, who sat there with there jaws agape. NOTE: Having been VERY lucky that day, I have never attempted nor thought of ever attempting this again.
5. Buzz The Tower - Top Gun: request permission, fail to receive it and then go ahead and fly by the air traffic control tower at Mach 1.
6. Show off the Panties - Sixteen Candles: ask a woman if you can borrow her underpants for 5 minutes, to show them off to your friends after charging them a buck to view them in the washroom. Keep in mind that when making the request, you HAVE to use the word UNDERPANTS and that you CANNOT tell her why you need to borrow them except that you have a bet with your buddies and that it would help out and mean a lot if she lets you. Stupid, immature and completely retarded I admit, but does ANYONE know of ANYONE that has done this or had it asked of them?? That's why it's on the list.
7. Tough Guy Talkdown - Resevoir Dogs, Dirty Harry, any basic macho bullshit GUY movie - be approached and or accosted by drunk tough guy asshole and when the prerequisite "Wanna step outside" of "You think you're a tough guy?" is uttered, attempt to quote a line from any one of the movies, stare intently, calm and completely undisturbed and watch them back down and walk away, hopefully apologizing for the misunderstanding.
Too many times unfortunately...lots of idiots out there. Now becoming one isn't the best solution, I know I know, but sometimes you can gauge the situation and pull it off. Lifetime record on this one is spotty and since I have grown up and being Buddhist, this is no longer is employed...well, once or twice...I never said I was the Dalai Lama. All I have to say on this one is, it's worked and it hasn't worked...and, yes I have had my ass handed to me many times as a result. The best time it did work, however, was with a drunk British soldier in downtown Calgary and I quoted Vinnie Jones WITH the British "FECK OFF" accent from "Snatch". I'm not sure HOW but work it did. In fact, he and his mates (who would have enrolled me into the Bloody Puddle Society forever) came over to apologize and proceeded to buy me pints for the rest of the night, but not for my mates, who were in disbelief and pissed off at the same time. They are currently in Afghanistan and we hook up whenever they come over...good blokes, they are. Again, very lucky...
8. Fake Orgasm in a Restaurant - When Harry Met Sally: we all know this one. I think it would be hilarious if a man was to do it but have yet to do it or see it done. Nor have I been able to convince a female friend of mine to do it...one day, though.
9. Turn Real Life Into A Musical Number - The Sound Of Music, etc.: whenever someone needs some advice or a question answered or asks how you feel about someone or what you think about something, respond by jumping up and bursting into song while performing some well-choreographed dance moves. Be sure to direct your song to the person still sitting by pointing at them and doing the old "there you go!" finger wave and to incorporate those around you into the number by looking at them for support and running things by them, so they nod in agreement or say "RIGHT!".
Everyone I know still to this day carries the fear and dread of me doing this at any given moment. If you are one of the few that I haven't done this to, consider yourself lucky or terribly unfortunate, depending on what your idea of fun is and what makes you laugh.
10. The Nazi Clap Inspiring Speech - Malcolm X, Can't Buy Me Love, Animal House, Patton, etc: again, everyone knows this one. Take advantage of a situation by turning a conversation with someone, usually regarding an argument or request for advice, and stand up and begin to address not only the person you're with but EVERY SINGLE PERSON within earshot. Be sure to make comments that the crowd can relate to and agree with ("EVERYONE HAS! RIGHT? Who here HASN'T been heartbroken?" or "You think you are the only person to want to be LOVED?" etc...) The trick is to keep the audience's attention long enough to end your speech with a "Don't ask me...ASK EVERYBODY HERE! WHO'S WITH ME ON THIS ONE??" An then look at someone to begin the clap by looking like you are about to clap yourself...BUT DON'T.
read number nine to see how I feel about this one...
So, there you go. I look forward to see which ones you all have employed or rely on in your daily battles with this sometimes mundane and utterly boring thing we call Life. It's all about keeping things fun and not so typical.
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