Sesame Street was never this educational or entertaining...

      The greatest thing I have ever witnessed was the mind of a four year old being unleashed in all of its creative glory upon unsuspecting adults who never saw it coming and never stood a chance. The child was being gently reprimanded for his whining about not getting his way and in the process a rare event occurred...a moment of contemplative silence. And as the hamster wheel was slowing its rotation, the child pondered aloud about what he had just been told.

    Seizing the opportunity, the child's mother began to turn the moment into a valuable lesson which would greatly benefit the child later on in his life by explaining how this would be a good time to think about what he could do in the future the next time a situation arises...

"YELLLLLLLOOOOOW CAAAAAAR!!"

Ahhhh yes... 

The game is still on...

Undeterred, the mother continued on with her little lesson of Life, having verbally wrestled her child's attention away from passing motor vehicles and back to her ever-wise wisdom regarding the way one should always regard others with respect and...

"YOU PEEEEEEEEEEEE OUT OF YOUR LARRR-GINAAAAAA..."

"YOU PEEEEEEEEEEE OUT OF YOUR LARRR-GINAAAA..."

note: this was actually SUNG, in KEY, to the chorus of "Mellow Yellow"

You see, the little bugger possessed some wisdom of his own. And not only was he more than happy to share this indefatigable knowledge, he delivered it in a first-rate, top-notch Broadway musical fashion, complete with outstretched arms and waving hands. In fact, I am positive I caught a glimpse of Fosse's choreography mixed in with some old vaudeville soft-shoe.

And being the pro that he was, he made sure that the people in the back rows could hear his Celine Dion-like stretched out final note before taking a bow.

yep...the kid BELLOWED it out.

Being unsure of whether I should applaud and yell "Bravo" or "Encore" as if I was at La Scala, cheer ecstatically with my arms in the air like Ozzy just finished "War Pigs" or throw flowers and stuffed animals as if Elvis Stojko nailed a triple lutz backflip mudslide blizzardy whatchmacallit, I did what any reasonably sane, mature, educated intellectual such as myself would do in such a situation when the child learning the difference between appropriate and unappropriate hung in the balance of the disapproving reaction of nearby adults.

I lost my shit.

Completely.

Unglued, in fact. For ten minutes straight.

Knowing I had just crucified any chance Mom may have had from dispelling the lad from future impromptu performances with my laughter, I took great satisfaction in the fact that I had just encouraged the boy to continue with his melodic celebration of female urination.

And it hit me...sometimes we get so caught up in teaching Life's little lessons that we forget how much fun it can be to review what we have already learned. And the best thing about it is this; the lad wasn't entirely wrong. He was almost 100% correct. Sure he flubbed the pronounciation but at least he had his facts almost straight. 

All I could get out was a weak "close enough..." The funniest thing about the whole ordeal is I can't stop singing it now, it's quite the catchy little tune. And the irony of the song he was singing just hit me...Mellow Yellow indeed. So THAT'S what the song is about.

Hmmm...smart kid.

I bet the headline "Paris' new bitch and it sure ain't Tinkerbell!" would sell more copies..

Let's see now...if I were to sum up things all neat and tidy-like, I would have to say that I've been busy working on my golf swing all this time and like Cousin Eddie from the "Vacation" movies would say..."she's a beauty, Clark. Tchk tchk...REAL nice..."

Anyhooooo...having gotten rid of cable television quite some time ago, I am quite unaware of...well, I honestly don't know of what I am unaware of but I've got a killer golf swing, so I've got that going for me. I have, however, been secretly reading trashy magazines in the grocery store and London Drugs now and then...

Ok, it's like this...I go out for a coffee, only I get my coffee from places that are near places with vast magazine selections...yep, even Chapters...shhhhhhhhhh...don't tell, I'm still vehemently opposed to Chapters for refusing to stock Proust, Harper's, Hitler's "Mein Kampf" as well as screwing over publishers and authors hand over fist...but in keeping with the theme of this rant, they do carry a plethora of trashy magazines and such.  Mind you, since they WON'T carry titles that might make people think differently, it only makes sense that they have a GINORMOUS stock of titles that do not make people think at all...hello?? In Style? Sheeesh!

by the way, here's a little tidbit for you all...not sure which one it was but a "Where's Waldo" book got pulled off of shelves because there was a scene at the beach and a woman laying on the sand had on a bikini bottom but no top. My only question is did they at least find Waldo? Holy hole in a doughnut Batman! They've hired the fucking Gestapo and gave them magnifying glasses...sighhhh.

Anyway, having purchased a coffee, I then go to whichever store is nearby and load up on absolute crap. I mean gosssssssip, trash, boo-hoo stories, celebs in jail, celebs in detox, celebs new hair-do's, Britney and Lindsay wearing panties, BIGGEST PRE-NUPS EVER, EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE, et cetera. 

I'm so naughty...tee hee! 

Anyway, my little secret vice is going to make me a BAJILLION dollars! In searching for a safe place to find my next fix, I noticed that an awful lot of walking is involved. Motor activity. Moving. No couch potatoeing, sofa slothing, carpal tunnel remote thumb syndrome, bestiality (people get WAAAAAAAAAY TOO affectionate with their pets when they are on the couch in front of the t.v. while watching some crap show. Now you know...) or other form of lethargy.

 So I started thinking that the BRAND NEW REVOLUTIONARY NEW DIET/EXERCISE ROUTINE is this: Go out and load up on as many crap magazines as possible. You can have as much as you want. You are going to have to get out there though because some stores have better crap than others and those stores are big and in malls, so you'll be walking for a bit to get to the truly great crap. And in no time, you'll have burned off 666 calories in a low-impact aerobic routine that can be done anytime you like.

You'll become an idiot over time but at least you'll look good and feel like you've accomplished something...just like the people you'll be reading about.