Let's see now...if I were to sum up things all neat and tidy-like, I would have to say that I've been busy working on my golf swing all this time and like Cousin Eddie from the "Vacation" movies would say..."she's a beauty, Clark. Tchk tchk...REAL nice..."
Anyhooooo...having gotten rid of cable television quite some time ago, I am quite unaware of...well, I honestly don't know of what I am unaware of but I've got a killer golf swing, so I've got that going for me. I have, however, been secretly reading trashy magazines in the grocery store and London Drugs now and then...
Ok, it's like this...I go out for a coffee, only I get my coffee from places that are near places with vast magazine selections...yep, even Chapters...shhhhhhhhhh...don't tell, I'm still vehemently opposed to Chapters for refusing to stock Proust, Harper's, Hitler's "Mein Kampf" as well as screwing over publishers and authors hand over fist...but in keeping with the theme of this rant, they do carry a plethora of trashy magazines and such. Mind you, since they WON'T carry titles that might make people think differently, it only makes sense that they have a GINORMOUS stock of titles that do not make people think at all...hello?? In Style? Sheeesh!
by the way, here's a little tidbit for you all...not sure which one it was but a "Where's Waldo" book got pulled off of shelves because there was a scene at the beach and a woman laying on the sand had on a bikini bottom but no top. My only question is did they at least find Waldo? Holy hole in a doughnut Batman! They've hired the fucking Gestapo and gave them magnifying glasses...sighhhh.
Anyway, having purchased a coffee, I then go to whichever store is nearby and load up on absolute crap. I mean gosssssssip, trash, boo-hoo stories, celebs in jail, celebs in detox, celebs new hair-do's, Britney and Lindsay wearing panties, BIGGEST PRE-NUPS EVER, EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE, et cetera.
I'm so naughty...tee hee!
Anyway, my little secret vice is going to make me a BAJILLION dollars! In searching for a safe place to find my next fix, I noticed that an awful lot of walking is involved. Motor activity. Moving. No couch potatoeing, sofa slothing, carpal tunnel remote thumb syndrome, bestiality (people get WAAAAAAAAAY TOO affectionate with their pets when they are on the couch in front of the t.v. while watching some crap show. Now you know...) or other form of lethargy.
So I started thinking that the BRAND NEW REVOLUTIONARY NEW DIET/EXERCISE ROUTINE is this: Go out and load up on as many crap magazines as possible. You can have as much as you want. You are going to have to get out there though because some stores have better crap than others and those stores are big and in malls, so you'll be walking for a bit to get to the truly great crap. And in no time, you'll have burned off 666 calories in a low-impact aerobic routine that can be done anytime you like.
You'll become an idiot over time but at least you'll look good and feel like you've accomplished something...just like the people you'll be reading about.
No comments:
Post a Comment