Recently, I had the pleasure of being in the company of a woman that was not only neck deep in the vicious clutch of that barbed-tentacled monster PMS but also halfway through the first week of quitting smoking...weeeeeeeeeeeeee. On the way to the pub for drinks, MANY in my case, I arrived at 7-11 a nanosecond after arriving at the opinion for purely self-defensive reasons that she was only allowed to go through one health affecting situation at a time...
One pack of cigarettes: $11.00
Three gin and tonics for her: $12.75
Nine pints of Guinness for moi: $63.00
Spending $86.00 in one night to preserve one's own sanity: priceless.
Now it goes without saying that I relish any chance I get to sit amongst women while they chat over coffee or preferably a few bottles of wine, simply because I get the opportunity to gain a broader understanding about what goes on in the hearts and minds of the fairer sex...I don't ALWAYS understand mind you, in fact there are times where I just look up at the heavens and silently mouth the word "why?". And to be fair there are times when I will relate to the topic at hand in a way that makes sense and is kind of funny (to me at least) that leaves the women at hand looking at me like I am growing a horn out of my forehead.
Tubal litgation for example. Getting one's tubes tied was a recent topic that came up over coffee the other day, and as she was explaining how little worry she had ever becoming pregnant, I had a picture of my head that illustrated (rather well, in my own defence) the entire concept in a fashion that left little room for misunderstanding or confusion.
As she was making "PING! PING!" noises to describe how duty-bound sperm were deflected and sent off back to where they came from, her vocal descriptions had my brain going off to a place a long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
Yep...I had conjured the image of the final battle scene in Star Wars when Luke and R2D2, Han and Chewie and the rest of the Rebel Alliance were making a last ditch "Death or Glory" attack on the impenetrable Death Star, and their hopes were fading as they watched their laser blasts and photon torpedoes bounce off of the deflector shields...PING! PING!...sighhhh. Which was fine with me and I could actually see myself in the not so distant future using this example to describe how tubal litigation works to some of my male friends when I mentioned it to them, but I made the mistake of sharing this with the ladies...
Naturally, laughter and dismissive shakes of their heads followed, along with the usual "what is it with you men?", the good old "nice, we're talking about a woman losing her ability to have babies and you come up with some sci-fi movie...typical" and the classic "just goes to show how little you men know about women."
Hmmm...
I was about to go and prove just how much in fact I did know about women but as past experience has shown me, I thought I had better just let it go and take my licking and be done with it. The knowledge I had of the situation at had allowed me to take my lumps and regroup for the next conversation.
And besides, there is always the chance that she could have switched on her tractor beam and kept me there for hours. Oh yes, I am quite schooled in the ways of the Dark side, I will never underestimate the power of the Force, nor will I ever turn over to the Dark side. EVER!
Unless of course she was wearing the outfit Leia was wearing when she was a slave to Jabba the Hut and was chained to his day-bed...that might make me reconsider.
Know nothing about women?! Harumph! Indeed! I know plenty alright. I'm just waiting for the box set to come out and then I will be able to know it all...
