Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near while holding an egg roll?

It's been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, at least by those that drink from half-full glasses...show-offs. But what's worth pondering is the question of whether or not it makes the heart grow despondent as well. The answer is yes it does. So then, we know that absence is responsible for BOTH fondness AND despondency, naturally.

Or do we?

DUH DUH DUH DUUUUHHHHHH.

More importantly, is it the absence or is it distance that is the culprit? Is there a law or foolproof formula that explains despondency? Some simple equation with which one can arrive at a solution?

Einstein came up with the equation E=mc2, which is good if you want to create an awesome amount of energy. Good for him. Pythagoras discovered a2 +b2 = c2, which is good if you want to find out the length of a side of a triangle, keeping in mind that you know the length of two sides. Whoopee for Pythagoras.

And then there is Newton and his three laws of motion. Described as "three physical laws which provide relationships between forces acting on a body and the motion of the body", these rules sound like they just might hold the key to finding an answer to our little problem. Sighhhh.

Stupid Newton and his stupid apple. The only apple that's any good is the one I'm writing this on. Mind you if this Apple were to drop on my head, I would be getting colouring books for Christmas for the rest of my life instead of coming up with a profound discovery of Nature...unless of course, eating pudding through a straw enables me to understand the behavior of black holes.

I watch cartoons, I've seen every Star Wars/Star Trek movie more than once, I still read comics and I can multiply 8635384.40 x 1 in my head THAT QUICKLY! Needless to say, I know what I'm talking about.

But I could use a little help...need a pro with this one.

Stopped by Beakman's World and asked the good 'ol doc for help but he was too busy complaining about a rat problem in the lab and was last heard screaming "You hear me Lester?! I'm going to get medieval on your ass! The Yankees suck!".

Popped into Castle Frightenstein to ask The Professor for his brilliant insight but he was too busy doing Jagerbombs with Dr. Pet Vet and Grizelda while dancing with Igor and the Wolfman to old K.C. and the Sunshine Band records to be of any help.

Visited Stephen Hawking and made the mistake of asking what he has been thinking about. Waited an hour for him to type out "What do the Yankees and Einstein have in common? They both SUCK!" and then another hour to type, asking me if I wanted to see some nudie photos of midgets wearing rubber boots.

Dropped by the studio to ask Oprah. Tom Cruise was there. See ya...

Went to Hallmark Cards and asked them what new evidence they had on whether absence makes the heart fonder and despondent or not. They handed me their latest findings: "Not having you around gives me the same creepy feeling I get when I look at those doll heads they sell at hobby stores. Miss you. And your noncreepy head."

Only one place left where I can go. Chinatown. Abacuses are cheap there and methinks there will be a lot of math and I'm all alone with this one as it turns out.

As I made my purchase, I also made a few startling discoveries. Namely that I break, I buy, boo hoo me and that with six you get egg roll. Fascinating.

However, on the way out I dropped the abacus, causing it to break apart and scatter beads everywhere while shouts of "Boo Hoo You! Boo Hoo You! No Refund!" echoed throughout the store.

I'm nowhere near figuring out this problem but I now have two bracelets and a necklace if anyone is needing to add some simple wooden jewellry to their collection.